I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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