I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
