You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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