I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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