i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
