Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
