capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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