My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
