Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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