i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
