I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
