i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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