hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
