I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize