I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
