I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
