You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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