i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
