She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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