Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
