I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
