I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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