is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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