so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
