My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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