I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I've blown a few things in my day
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
