even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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