I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
