My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
