Someone shit on the floor
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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