well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
