just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
