DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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