my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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