It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
