I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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