At least make sure they are 18
Why
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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