I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
