he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i drank out of a bidet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
