Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
