i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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