I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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