Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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