the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize