rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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