I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
