I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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