3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
