she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
