My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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