so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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