Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
