I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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