did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
