News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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