While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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