I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
