If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
