You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
