Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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