my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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